Mexico

Got back from Mexico this past Sunday. I wasn't expecting to get a whole lot out of this trip...my expectations were low. Turns out, it probably was one of the most influential I've ever had. It wasn't an easy trip. There were a lot of things to do, a lot of different opportunities for me to jump into, but none that I necessarily felt 100% comfortable with. VBS was out considering I really can't stand kids, Dentist work was out for obvious reasons, Womens ministry wasn't exactly my calling as long as it including painting nails :)...most of these opportunities is just me complaining and being selfish. I ended up jumping into sports like soccer and baseball, but God steered me to yet a different path, once again. Translating was my main focus, as most of the team spoke little to no Spanish. He pulled me completely out of my comfort zone when I had to translate for the Border Guards since the translators didn't show up. It didn't matter what my trade was; whether that be with the Dentist or out playing soccer, relationships always came first. It is the most important matter and comes first and last. I jumped in as soon as it hit me, and tried to make as much of an impact as I can considering we were only there for a week. I had been a little nervous for the trip to Uganda next week only because I don't speak their language. This will definitely not be the easiest trip I will have to participate on, but something I am expecting to be stretched on. As for being back in Oklahoma, I am keeping busy with overcoming the things I've needed to work on for a long time. I am forgetting things I need to forget, and learning things I need to learn. Each are equally important, but neither are necessarily easy. I am making the right decisions, no matter how hard they come. I will be returning to Liberty in the Fall, and finishing out my school there. Every summer I plan on returning to Oklahoma and working for the church, at least up until I graduate when I will move out here permanently. I've never felt this sure in my life.

Stretching to, What I Thought, Were Limits.

I don't want to leave. The funny thing is, I haven't necessarily been having the time of my life in Oklahoma. I'm not (easily) making friends, find it hard to find things to do when Crystal and I aren't at the church, participating in events I would normally abhor in doing (such as screaming chants and cheers at the top of my lungs with middle schoolers)..,pretty much being stretched in every possible manner. I've reached my limits. Every time God tests me, as I have asked Him to during this summer, I think I'm going to break.
The Catch? God only gives me what He knows I can handle. I've finished the tasks He has asked of me so far...even though I've struggled through some. I think this is an accomplishment in itself. The "comfort zone" which I had before this summer, is no longer my outer boundaries, but yet so much further. This is especially why I have no desire in leaving Oklahoma.
There are things I miss, things I don't want to do, things I do want to do, but all are out of selfish desire. I came across a verse I have read hundreds of times, but its meaning hadn't quite impacted me as it did this past week. Matthew 16:24 - "Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone desires to be My disciple, let him deny himself, disregard, lost sight of, and forget himself and his own interests, and take up his cross and follow Me; cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying, also." There are three parts to this verse. The first, is for one to deny himself...to lose ones own interests. The second, to take up his own cross...to take part in accepting that Jesus is it. The third, to live by His example, or even to die by it. I have always disregarded the first part; denying all that I want. I haven't actually given God everything up until now (consciously).
There are limits in my life that shouldn't be limits. Even simple things like, getting to know someone and beating the awkward stages, or jumping into activities with people you don't know or, being from New York, even having my personal space :) Sometimes even speaking in Spanish calls for me to step out of my comfort zone and speak out loud. Each of these limits are not God's limits, they are my limits.
The biggest thing I am learning, is that God stretches us because He loves us. He stretches me because He loves me. I should feel honored that God tests me because He feels I am ready to be tested. It means I am strong enough to overcome it. Our trials should be fought with joy.

I have fallen in Love with this song by David Crowder, especially through these past weeks spent in Oklahoma.


"How He Loves"

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
How He loves us
How He loves us
How He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That He loves us,
How He loves us
How He loves us
How He loves

He loves us

Oklahoma

I know I haven't written for a while now. Things have been so crazy and I finally got enough time to sit down and think about what to post next.

Last year in Nicaragua I had the opportunity to speak with a missions pastor, Mike, about doing an internship with his church in Edmond, Oklahoma. I felt like the whole thing was too good to be true. Events turned out quite the opposite, and I find myself 19 hours from Virginia and New York as the missions intern for Henderson Hills Baptist Church. This past year has not been an easy one; and much of that has been my own fault. I have learned the difference between knowing what good decisions are, and what the best decisions are. I haven't exactly made bad decisions; I just haven't been making the right ones that God has in His will for me. In the past 2 weeks that I have been in Edmond working for the church, I have learned more than in the past year at college. I have a list of things that I am making a point to change in my life during this upcoming summer. There have already been alterations, and it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Last week I had the opportunity to be a leader for middle schoolers at a Camp here in Oklahoma. I knew I would have been pulled out of my comfort zone multiple times; and I was. Although camp was tough and exhausting, I fell in love with the work I was doing. The kids I got to learn about all had different stories, backgrounds, and challenges they faced, but all were just as loving and in turn, needed to be loved. This upcoming week I am planning an event for a new food and distribution center for the public to be educated of the program. The week after that is VBS, and then I'm headed to help lead a trip to Mexico. This summer is going to be an eventful one; but I wouldn't have it any other way.

2010

Funny how things, don't work out the way you plan. And its even more funny, how I'm still learning that. Last semester was rough. And I'm ready for a new beginning with this upcoming one. Trying to control everything that I can't is exhausting; especially when it doesn't turn out the way you expect and end up tired from putting in the effort. I can only control my decisions and actions. I'm physically and emotionally through with everything that has happened, and I am ready to take the steps necessary to move forward. It's a new mindset; a new me. From high school to college, I understand I am completely different. I know what I want, and what I don't want; I know who I am, and who I'm not. It's as clear as the sun. I will not compromise, I will not settle. I will only shoot for what's best. From investing in the right people, to the highest goals and dream, I'm ready to start over; to start new.

I am somewhat proud to say that the most important decisions, like the people I've kept in my life, are ones I would make all over again.



"All The Same"

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Seasons

Getting ready to go home for a tournament this weekend. God knows I need it more than anything right now.
I'm a little sick of scraping what's left of a barrel that's been low for a while. I guess, the most important thing I have learned this semester seems to be, that loving isn't all what I thought it was a few years ago. It means you will do what's best, even if it means you are left unloved in the end. "Rejoice in God for the time being, only if it's for a season." I'm learning to be thankful for the things that I grasp only for a few seconds, and then slip away before I know it. “People change before you like brilliant colors of leaves during fall. But yet, some of us find ourselves in a standstill of time, waiting for the hurt of memories to fade and the night to unfold around us. I however, refuse to be stagnant, and wish to transform into a radiant shade of Gold from what I have learned.”


I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Thanksgiving

This semester has been nuts; although it has already taught me a handful of lessons. For one, I am capable of being overwhelmed and am not superwoman. I have filled my schedule with too many things; now in fact, that I am regretting. I have become numb to the things that I love and am barely getting by. But still, I find peace, and I know that next semester will be different. Thanksgiving is in two weeks, and I am so excited to go home <3 I cannot wait to release some stress by playing hockey, seeing the fam, and getting away from my crazy life here in Lynchburg (no matter how much I love Virginia). I have been thinking of a sidepiece :o! Everyone is my family has taken the tattoo route...


"By Your Side"
-Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Practical Approach

I can't even remember when this semester had started; let alone getting to the halfway point. There really isn't a doubt in my mind of why I ended up here at Liberty. I think lately I have had diligence in learning, and not just learning for school, but for fun. There came a point this summer where I got so bored that, to keep from reaching insanity, I did a lot of research. Why I actually believed in Jesus; or even if I really did believe. Research on things like The Old and New Testament and their validity. Scientific approaches to why Jesus is real. I got tired and am still tired of the nominal approach at a Christian life; to believe things just because we are taught to believe. If I am going to stand for something, I don't want it to be just because it's the easy way out or a simple explanation for things. This year has been one for learning. I now know practical ways for answering subjects like why the Bible is a reliable source, about Noah's ark, about the validity in Jesus. The thing is, I would love for someone to come along and debate and make me think about matters as this. It is important that we understand what we are saying. If someone were to make a solid point, one which is contradicting and otherwise cannot be argued for my point...I should take it into consideration to understand new meanings and views. I have yet to find these views in life; every conversation or piece I try to find to contradict my views only seem to point me in the same directions. Seems if you really do search with your whole heart, you end up falling in love with your whole heart.